A "new" new start of sorts...or...how I got a complement!...or how GS cookies may be the end of me and how I fell for Casey Abrams

First off, the complement. Thank you to Ansley, a classmate of mine. She's ISP and I don't get to see her much (she studies by reading books while I'm stuck in class). We had a test on Monday and as we were walking in she kept saying "wow, have you lost weight? you really look like you have". YAY!!! Thank you Ansley for saying that! I don't think that I have (I haven't been on the scales in a while) but it felt great to hear that. And when I looked in the mirror even I wondered.

Also, my freezer is full of GS cookies. Well, it was. I'm working my way through them. Gosh darn it if I just don't love those Thin Mints and Tagalongs! I had Lemon Chalets and tried the Dulce de Leche (since this is their last year) and they've been polished off. In another week or so I may start hearing "did you gain the weight back?" 'why yes, yes i did, and it's all thanks to the GS cookies and my utter lack of self control around them'.

PS, below I will include a link to GS cookie cupcakes.

You're welcome.

Now on to a more serious topic. This is a journal/blog/diary after all, right? And I'm entitled to vent and share as I wish, right?

Darn tootin'!

About 3 weeks ago I was approached by a classmate/friend who asked if I wanted to go to church with him and his family, and to have dinner with them and to talk about it with them and the missionaries (they're Mormon).

I'm not very religious. I don't even know if I'm spiritual. I asked him why he asked me, and he said he felt compelled. Of course he said he believes that there is a reason, that God was behind it, but that he wanted to offer, and that I could of course say no, others have in the past and that is fine.

I was torn. On one hand, I honestly wondered if maybe the other Mormons in class had been talking and thought 'hey, that Lauren girl, maybe she'll join' (and I realise how that sounds, like they're a gang [only they would be 10x cooler if they were a scooter gang like in Scrubs], but I like honesty so I'm putting it out there). On the other hand I was really flattered. Like, REALLY flattered. I may be vocal but when it comes to who I invite into my home to spend time here, I'm protective. I don't want just anybody coming all up in my space (that sounds ghetto). And here was this guy, inviting me into his HOME, with his WIFE and CHILD. All I have is messiness and some things. Those are the the most important things in his life. Also, that he wanted to invite me to church. I could have taken it like I was being recruited by a cult, but to me it felt more like a very nice man was truly moved to talk to me about a huge part of his life, something that would also involve my life and soul. 5 years ago I think I may have been somewhat offended. 'what, you think my soul needs SAVING???? Save THIS!'. But maybe I'm growing, who knows.

I talked to friends about it, I even had one who said she felt like I should go while she herself is borderline atheist, and thought about it. I met with D and talked some more and I decided to have dinner and see what happens. I met his fam (beautiful), ate dinner (delicious), and talked with the missionaries (friendly, not pushy or crazy at all).

To be honest, I had even thought of trying out a church within the past 12 months. It has sort of felt like something has been missing. I even saw Eat Pray Love and was moved at her plight at self-discovery and journey for God. The missionaries gave me a copy of The Book of Mormon to take home to read on my own, ponder about, and they encouraged me to pray over it. That night I took it home, read a page or two, and for the first time in months (maybe even years), tried to have a real prayer. I can't even begin to tell you how foreign it felt to me. JUST like in the EPL book, I too wanted to start off with "Dear God, love your work" but I refrained. Instead I took it easy, like a conversation with an old friend I hadn't spoken to in a while but wish I had.

I also went to church with his family that Sunday. Their service is broken up into thirds with the first being as a big group, the second with a smaller Sunday School group, and then a third where the men and women break off separately, each part lasting an hour. I left after the second hour, but I honestly wanted to stay for the third. I didn't think I would want to stay that long so I hadn't planned accordingly.

Here is what I've discovered so far - 1) the Mormons aren't a cult. In fact, they seem to be some of the most genuine (and genuinely nice) people I have met. 2) I am working my way through the Book of Mormon and praying about it like I was encouraged and promised to do. 3) Their church didn't feel foreign to me at all. Once I got used to it, it actually felt familiar somehow, which was comforting. 4) Prayer - I had a feeling once when I was a teenager and described it to them. It's what the Mormons and Pentecostals call the Holy Ghost. If anyone is interested I can tell you what it really felt like for me, but let's just say that I haven't felt it since that once. When I talked with the missionaries and R, she said that she honestly had that same feeling I described when she read the Book and prayed about it. I really want that feeling again so I have been giving prayer another go. Also, thanks to the Sunday School lesson, I'm using it more of a conversation. As the leader said, He is supposed to be our Heavenly Father, our Dad (of sorts), and doesn't your Dad here like it when you call just to chat? So, I've been chatting with God. WOW does that sound pretentious lol. But once I started doing that, and really trying, I now close my eyes and this sort of wave comes over me. Maybe it's like what a trance/meditation is like, but I feel peaceful, almost like I'm weightless or not quite in my body anymore. And as I type it that reads sort of bizarre, but it's honestly what it feels like. I actually leaned against the wall on Monday before my exam and said a prayer to help calm my nerves and within a couple of seconds I had that feeling again and my nerves were squashed.

I don't know if there is a God up there that is listening, but for maybe the first time ever, I am actually trying to find that out for myself. I'm also trying to see things in a new light, as a Christian would. Instead of seeing the rain washing away all the snow just to get a foot of snow the next day (which happened here a couple weeks ago), I'm now trying to see it as 'wow, thanks God for washing away that snow. If we'd gotten a foot on top of what was already here we would have been in BIG trouble'.

I'm also seriously questioning some of my actions in the past. Things I've done that I'm not proud of, things I am proud of, and how I feel about them now, what have I learned. I can literally tell that some of the ways I viewed things in the past are changing.

Crap, maybe that means I'm growing up. Oh no, am I an ADULT now? Ugh.

And now for cupcakes.

http://rainydaygal.com/?p=2385

And can some PLEASE, PLEASE find me a Casey Abrams that is my age?!?!

Procrastination...or how I got snowed in one Monday morning...and how I have a crush on Sam Champion

Yes folks, that's right, I'm snowed in.

For those of you in Erie, you know that the past week was amazing. Snow melting...sun...grass! Every inch of snow in my yard melted, even the icicles. Today, I wake up to snow half-way up my calf. A good 8 inches (maybe more, I don't have a ruler) has buried me. I don't like to call out of school (I think this may have been the 3rd time since I've been here), but there is no way my car could handle this. I don't even have snow tires! Both my road and the one connected to it have yet to be plowed. Once they get cleared I can get out of here and go to the grocery store. If I'd known that winter was coming back today, I would have gone shopping yesterday. Instead I decided to clean and study, and look where that got me...blogging on here!

So enough about the snow and what about the diet?!

First off, sorry for procrastinating.

Diet is going...ok. I cheated a bit this weekend and had two waffles Sat and Sun with some 100% maple syrup (delish) and scrambled eggs. What I don't understand is why I'm not supposed to have a lot of protein in the morning?? Sure I can have some peanut butter, but no eggs? I will say that one of the recipes I made was a parmesan crusted tilapia which is absolutely amazing. Tilapia is a light fish, not "fishy" like salmon and some others, so I like to eat it but was never sure of what to do with it. I made it with some wild rice (Uncle Ben's Sun-Dried Tomato Florentine and no, I'm not getting paid to mention it though they can feel free to contact me at any time). Oh, and balsamic vinegar? OMG, where has it been all my life. I remember trying it in a bread dip back when I was 16 at Biltmore Estate's Deerpark Restaurant with my Mom (now if only I could remember medical facts as clearly as that...le sigh). I took one bite and HATED it. And I LOVE vinegar. I tried it a few months ago in another bread dip and thought it was good so I bought a bottle. Then a week ago I tried just balsamic (with a hint of olive oil) on salad and I think I could eat that every single day. All I need to do is discover a way to make sure I can get the colour out of the tops I wear since it seems to get on my shirt every time I use it.

I have been lazy when it comes to working out. My last post about Bob...I was in pain for days. But, that is going to keep happening until I get used to it and build up some strength and endurance. So, I'm going to do Bob M-W-F, and pilates Tu-Th-Sa (Sundays off). But I'll need your help. Everyone that reads this, please ask me '"you work out? How'd it go?" You'll all help to keep me honest, and I need an external force to push me. If I do something on my own, I won't be motivated. But if others push me or are dependent upon me, I'll do more (isn't that just like a woman? Putting others ahead of yourself).

I LOVE Sam Champion. I swear, when I'm in NYC, I am going to go outside and try to get a kiss from that man on live television. Just you watch.

And Courtney? This is for you.

A second new start...or...how Bob Harper kicked my butt

OK, so I'm (sorta) starting over (again). Today I picked a spot in the bathroom to keep the scale and I weighed in (first thing this morning). 245.5 lbs. I did it twice so even if I got two different numbers I could average and get one closest to my actual weight.

Then for breakfast I started with my SparkDiet - .75 cups fresh blueberries, 6 oz low fat strawberry yogurt, 8 oz coffee, 1 low-fat nutri-grain eggo waffle with a little peanut butter on top. I've never been much for eating actual blueberries, mainly just blueberry baked goods, but it wasn't bad. After the first few bites, I could close my eyes and I could really taste the berry, and it was nice. And the waffle with PB is awesome, esp if you wait a little while and let the PB warm up and melt into the crevices. I also don't feel hungry! Yum...

If I'm correct, coffee, tea, and water count as "water" every day (since they're calorie-free), and my goal is to take in 8 cups. I've had two so far, working on my third.

How have I gotten this much water in already? Well, I just finished a workout. I know! It's so early! I went into Sam's Club yesterday and got a pilates dvd with stretchy bands (LOVE pilates) and one of Bob Harper's dvds - The Biggest Loser: Cardio Max Weight-Loss. I can tell that by the time I get really good at this dvd, I'll have quads and glutes of steel. It involves a LOT of squats and lunges, jumping up from squatting, etc. It def got my heart rate going. There's a warm-up to it (5 min), then three options -

1. to start off with, just do the Bob Harper Cardio Max for 25 min (Level 1)

2. once you're good with that, step it up a notch with an extra 10 min long High-Intensity Cardio (Level 2)

3. wow, you're good with both of those? OK then hot-shot, add in a Level 3 High-Intensity Cardio for another 10 minutes.

Of course there's a 5 min cool-down too. At the moment, I'm good with the Level 1. I do think I may have to get some new shoes. The ones I have...they're more for the Body Pump class at the gym and not for all this squatting. By the end of it I wanted to roll my soles over a rolling pin.

There is a Maximum Results Program (haven't looked into that so I'll check that out another time) and a Music-only option if you know the movements and don't want someone stopping every so often to tell you/demonstrate what to do next.

I will say that I'm proud of myself.

Also that I need another sports bra cause with all the jumping the one I have is useless.

Now I keep track of all of this at SparkPeople.com. You get points too, and there are "trophies" to serve as another motivation tool. There are also options for you to track your goals, talk with others, recipes, articles, work-outs, a TON of stuff, and it is all, 100% free. Yes, you read that right - FREE. Lost your motivation for working out and want to get it back? There's a bulletin board for that. Have a tiny apartment and aren't sure what workouts you can do? There's a bulletin board for that.

And yes, want to track your progress on your iPhone? There's an ap for that.

The best part is that it's about a life-style change, so they start you off slowly. You'll get motivational emails suggesting small steps you can take, and there is a particular sequence to them so it's not random. They serve to help coach and guide you. This isn't a 100-m dash, this is an Iron Man, a Marathon. You wouldn't want your surgeon to be a first year college student would you? No. You want someone who has put in the work, who has been pushed and put through the wringer through college, medical school, and residency. The same goes for this. Don't take on too much for you to handle at a time and work yourself up.

Can't wait to be able to kick this dvd's butt.

Quick update

I'll write a longer, more detailed update later. But, I have a new cardio tape (Bob Harper) and a pilates tape (love pilates but can never be at the gym for the class) so I will be trying those out soon.

Also, several of you have mentioned SparkPeople.com. I had been a member so I deleted my old account and made a new one to start over. I dropped my car off at the shop today and then went to the store (thanks to Taylor for the ride) so I have all healthy food now. LOTS of fruits and veg. My fridge is a Farmer's Market now. Today I'll be prepping the food, cleaning out the fridge, doing a ton of dishes and laundry, and studying.

I'll let you know more about what I'm doing on Sparkpeople, but until then, here is the link so you can check it out yourself.

http://www.sparkpeople.com/

Also, for a little pick-me-up, here's a hilarious video.

The old saying goes that being in medical school is like trying to drink from a fire hydrant. You can never get it all...

...but I bet we'd get more if it was vodka inside that hydrant.

Now I got your attention!

OK, so it's been a couple of days since I last posted. Here's what's happened...

Not much.

I re-weighed myself, and each time I got on the scale (and moved it to a different spot on the bathroom floor) my weight would change. According to that I somehow managed to gain almost 10 pounds in a week on one spot, and then it was completely different in another. Needless to say I need to find one spot in the bathroom to weigh myself and keep it there. But what's more important than the number is the pant size. I'll know something's different when my pants start to get loose (again).

I'm also struggling with time, and laziness. My car has decided to start stinking up the place (catalytic converter needs fixing/replacing), which is just another bead in the never-ending necklace that is work-getting-done-to-my-car. It's also another pound of weight on my shoulders. And there's the laziness. I just don't want to work-out. I know it's good for me, and I know I always feel better afterwards, but I just don't want to do it. Good part is that I realise what's going on, so now I just have to go and change and pop in the DVD and find my resistance bands and give this workout a try.

I had my pharm one-liner exam today. For those of you that aren't students at LECOM, we second years were sent an excel spreadsheet of 800+ lines of Q&A's about drugs. Some were starred (High Yield; really important to know; ~200 flashcards) and we had to memorise them for a test. The class was divided up into groups and we all go on different weeks. Mine was today, the first exam group. I spent so much time studying those cards, and now that weight has been lifted off my shoulders, only to be replaced by a heavier one (the car).

Le sigh.

The stress never ends. It wanes then returns with a vengeance, which makes me not want to work-out, and instead grab a cupcake. I think that makes me a stress eater. That and I eat out of boredom. It's taking a decent amount of will power to not grab a cookie right now. Typing this serves as a nice distraction.

I'm also reading a book (maybe a night or two a week I can get in a few pages) called Eat Pray Love. I saw the film first and was enthralled. I wish I could learn how to be more spiritual, to meditate and forget some of the stress. But thinking about that sends my adrenals into overdrive because that would mean trying to do one MORE thing in what is already a day with too few hours it. Also, when I try to lay in bed at night and shut off my mind, I instead get flooded with worry, usually about money, now that I have to fix the car yet again.

I'm trying to tackle one thing at a time. Call the shop to see about getting a part for the car and how much that will cost. Change clothes and work-out. Study. Go to the grocery store (this is going to have to wait a little while still).

To cheer myself up I'm going to listen to some music that gets me going (right now it's Marry You by Bruno Mars). Then I'm going to watch the video below, and I hope you do too.

Q: Where is the safest place to be during a tornado? A: Browns Stadium, since nothing ever touches down there

In honour of the upcoming festivities this Sunday (and if you're not watching it, you're probably in medical school), I thought I'd start with a joke.

OK, so this is it. Time for honesty. Embarrassingly honest, honesty.

And some math.

To start off, I weighed myself this week. I honestly can't remember if it was on Monday or on Groundhog Day, but in order to know where you're going you have to know where you're starting. Even Garmin starts where you are and not once you leave your neighbourhood.

So the weight this week: 238.5

I know. Holy s%#$ right? I think that means I actually weigh more than most of the GUYS in my class, let alone the girls.

Here's the good news: I've bottomed out. I've pretty much stayed at this weight for years now, so that's the only silver lining. I even found some stuff from my college PE class where I was 3 pounds lighter, 3 years ago. It also said my BMI was 40 and my lean body mass was 151 lbs (meaning I'm 151 lbs of bone, muscle, water, and organ tissue [not extraneous fat]).

So now it's time for some math.

If you've ever wanted to know how to calculate your own BMI, here's the equation.

BMI = (your weight in pounds * 703) / (your height in inches squared)

or

BMI = (your weight in kg) / (your height in meters squared)

If you don't want to square your height, just divide it twice by the same number.

So for me: my BMI = (238.5 * 703) / (63) / (63) = 42.2

What does that mean? Well, it means I'm worse off than I thought. I thought I was in the 30's, but I literally just found out that I'm in the morbidly obese category. What makes things worse is that I'm not alone.

http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/trends.html#State

A guest lecturer showed us the content of the page listed above in a lecture on Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, which I think really got the ball rolling for me. If you click on the link above, it will show you a graphic representation of how obesity has become rampant in the USA since 1987, state by state. It is a nationwide problem. It is also a family and personal problem for me.

Back to the math.

So what is a good BMI? Where should I be, and how much do I have to lose to get there?

The numbers once you get over a BMI of 30 are still somewhat under debate, but >30 is widely accepted as "obese". The lines below were taken from a lecture of mine.

• BMI Definitions
• BMI >30 is Obesity for all adult age groups (>18)
• BMI <>Underweight for all adult age groups (>18)
• BMI >18.5 to 24.9 is a Normal weight for all adult age groups (>18)
• BMI 24 to 29 is a Healthy wt for age (>65 year olds)
• BMI >25 to 29.9 is Overweight (18-64); BMI 29.1 to 29.9 is Overweight (>65)

OK, so if I am going to get to even the upper-limit of normal for me, that will be

BMI = 24.9 = (X * 703) / (63*63)

= (X * 703) / 3969

24.9 * 3969 = X * 703

92030.4 = X * 703

131 = X

I need to lose AT LEAST 105 pounds to be in the "normal" BMI range.

There are some problems with BMI. It doesn't take into account how much of your body mass is muscle. So a guy who's 200 pounds may not have excess fat, he may be Arnold Schwarzeneggar when he was in his prime.

For me, I'm going to aim for 130. I actually have pictures of me from high school when I was this weight (or close to it). What's sad is that at the time I was distraught. I would cry, thinking I was too fat. I wouldn't change in front of people. I would buy jeans a size too small because I was in denial, and because I didn't want to be ANOTHER size bigger than my friends. I was miserable, probably depressed, only now I look back and think I was beautiful. What's heart-breaking to me is that there are hundreds of other people out there who have either been in that same situation, or are feeling the same now.

You are not worthless. You are still beautiful. For once, when someone says "I know how you feel", trust me when I say that this time it's true. I do know how you feel.

You are not alone.

And one more thing...

Go Pack, Go!

Crazy person says...what?

Day 1, post 1, and it is indeed Groundhog Day 2011.

This is going to be about the trials and tribulations of being in medical school, and losing weight.

So what's with the title of the post and blog? Well, 2 years ago to the day, my life changed. At 10 pm on February 2, 2009, I got my acceptance letter to med school. Oh, did I mention that I love this day? It's my favourite non-holiday. And that was rambling.

Albert Einstein once said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". I've tried this before. Lose 20 pounds, gain it back (and then some). Over and over, like a crazy person, expecting different results.

So what's different? Well, now I know more (thank you med school for telling me I have cirrhosis [or at least will in the near future] and NASH/NAFLD). As I learn things that are medically relevant, I'll post here.

Example 1: you know how they always say you need to lose weight slowly? Well, it's true. Why? I don't know all the specifics. I think part of it is the fact that if you do it slowly, it's probably a method that you can adopt into your life as a "lifestyle change". It's not a fad, it's a new way of living. I do know that losing weight too quickly can predispose you to gallstones (and thus, cancer [PS, gallbladder cancer is one of the worst GI cancers you can get - second only to pancreatic cancer]). While you've been eating a lot, and we both know the food was probably tasty b/c of all the fat and salt in it, your gallbladder has gotten used to the routine. Your GB and pancreas talk and decide to release bile and relax sphincters (muscles) so it can get into your GI tract. If you suddenly lose a lot of weight, your gallbladder can get confused and start spazzing out. The sphincter may start to become spastic (won't relax) so bile backs up. As it backs up more and more, stuff in there starts to get packed tighter, and stones can form. Because stuff stops moving and stones stay in there, you're putting yourself at risk for cancer. So, word to the wise - lose weight at 2 lbs a week. Your gallbladder will thank you.

Also, here's a point of irony. Physicians, the people who are trained to help you be healthy, are some of the least healthy people you'll know. The horrible hours (80+ hr work weeks) and stress all lead to weight gain and increased incidence of suicide.

I'm 28 and in my second semester of my second year. If I don't get ahold of this situation now, who knows when I will.

I have a weight-loss buddy (and I'm helping her with a vice of her own). I have started to eat better. For example - I'm down to about 1.5 cans of diet soda/day. Today for lunch I had a sandwich, grapes, a small yogurt, and wasabi peas. Tonight for dinner I had the last two small slices of pizza, a whole grain blueberry waffle with apple butter for dessert (along with two squares of dark chocolate). A couple of months ago I would have eaten the whole bar of chocolate, now I'm better with self control.

So here's to a little less insanity in this crazy world.

But if you'd also like to follow a friend of mine, click the link below.

http://dieharddieting.wordpress.com/